Saturday, February 23, 2008

20 Tacky Religious Products Guaranteed to Anger God

For as long as there has been religion, there's been someone hawking religious crap to scam a buck off the devout. But once the market becomes saturated with tasteful silver crosses and Star of David pendants, retailers had to find more exotic fare to tempt the faithful.

And so began a downward spiral of crass and downright sacrilegious merchandise that is certain to call down the wrath of the almighty Himself.

#20 Ketzel the Cat Menorah

Crazy cat ladies transcend religious barriers--it's really a unifying theme of humanity. As such, when Chanukah rolls around, those Jewish crazy cat ladies bust out Ketzel. It's the one time of year that Judaism really lends itself to lighting a nightmarish looking blue cat in a bow tie on fire for several days.
#10. Jesus "Action" Figures

This line of figurines represents Jesus being kick-ass at a variety of activities from bull riding to ... reading. Well, despite the one weak entry, this set seems to suggest the Messiah was all about getting busy in a variety of ways. The football figurine was controversial, because the Methodists assert Jesus was a running quarterback while other denominations insist the Lord was strictly a pocket passer.

The next set of figures will include Jesus in a kickboxing tournament, Jesus hunting man for sport and Jesus choke-slamming the Pope through a steel cage.

#5. Grow a Buddha

Christians don't have the market on shitty merchandise cornered by a long shot, as witnessed by the stunning Grow-A Buddha, because as the box notes, "growing your Buddha is the first step on your path to enlightenment." Whatever the fuck that means.

This Buddha will grow 600 percent of its original size if you put it in water, after which time we assume you use it to wash your car or smear on seeds and watch him grow a Chia afro.

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