Thursday, March 20, 2008
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
"I am lapidary but not eristic when I use big words."
- William F. Buckley Jr. -
"Don't take any shit from the zeitgeist."
- George Carlin -
"Believe nothing which is unreasonable, and reject nothing as un-reasonable without proper examination."
- Buddha -
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."
- Richard Bach -
- George Washington's Farewell Address, 1796 -
"I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president."
- George W. Bush, September 2000 -
"My conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator."
- Adolph Hitler: Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2 -
"Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' Vanity asks the question, 'Is it popular?' But, conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but one must take it because one's conscience tells one that it is right."
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -
"Dr. King didn't get famous giving a speech that said, 'I have a complaint.' It's time for us to start dreaming again and invite the country to dream with us. We don't have any 'throw away' species, nations, or children. We must birth a global green economy strong enough to lift people out of poverty."
- Van Jones -
"What is absurd and monstrous about war is that men who have no personal quarrel should be trained to murder one another in cold blood."
- Aldous Huxley -
"I would be a friend to the friendless and find joy in ministering to the needs of the poor. I would visit the sick and afflicted and inspire in them a desire for faith to be healed. I would teach the truth to the understanding and blessing of all mankind. I would seek out the erring one and try to win him back to a righteous and a happy life. I would not seek to force people to live up to my ideals, but rather love them into doing the thing that is right. I would live with the masses and help to solve their problems that their earth life may be happy. I would avoid the publicity of high positions and discourage flattery of thoughtless friends. I would not knowingly wound the feeling of any, not even one who may have wronged me, but would seek to do him good and make him my friend. I would overcome the tendency to selfishness and jealousy and rejoice in the successes of all the children of my Heavenly Father. I would not be an enemy to any living soul. Knowing that the Redeemer of mankind has offered to the world the only plan that will fully develop us and make us happy here and hereafter, I feel it not only a duty, but also a blessed privilege to disseminate the truth."
- George Smith -
"You want sanity, democracy, community, an intact Earth? We can't get there obeying Constitutional theory and law crafted by slave masters, imperialists, corporate masters, and Nature destroyers. We can't get there kneeling before robed lawyers stockpiling class plunder precedent up their venerable sleeves. So isn't disobedience the challenge of our age? Principled, inventive, escalating disobedience to liberate our souls, to transfigure our work as humans on this Earth."
- Richard Grossman -
"We live in a country that is addicted to incarceration as a tool for social control. As it stands now justice systems are extremely expensive, do not rehabilitate but in fact make the people that experience them worse and have no evidence based correlatives to reducing crime. Yet with that track record they continue to thrive, prosper and are seen as an appropriate response to children in trouble with the law. Only an addict would see that as an okay result."
- James Bell -
"In Southern West Virginia we live in a war zone. Three and one-half million pounds of explosives are being used every day to blow up the mountains. Blasting our communities, blasting our homes, poisoning us, trying to intimidate us. I don't mind being poor. I mind being blasted and poisoned. - There ARE no jobs on a dead planet."
- Judy Bonds -
"Mr. Speaker, we make war with such certainty, yet we are befuddled how to create peace. This paradox requires reflection if we are to survive. Making and endorsing war requires a secret love of death, and a fearful desire to embrace annihilation. Creating peace requires compassion, putting ourselves in the other person's place, and all of their suffering and all of their hopes and to act from our heart's capacity to love, not fear."
- Dennis Kucinich -
"All the Buddhas of all the ages have been telling you a very simple fact: Be, don't try, to become. Within these two words, be and becoming, your whole life is contained. Being is enlightenment, becoming is ignorance."
- Osho -
Monday, March 17, 2008
Who I'm Voting For
Fuck football. If every single professional football player disappeared off the face of the planet, it would have no detrimental effect upon the earth whatsoever. You can't say that about all professions. If every single professional airplane pilot disappeared off the face of the planet, a lot of planes would come crashing to the ground, which would only be entertaining for a little while. If every single professional grocery store clerk disappeared off the face of the planet, hundreds of children would be trampled in the mad rush towards the self-checkout lines, which would be very entertaining indeed. But football players disappearing? All that would happen is a few misshapen balls would fall to the ground during actual games, and millions of macho assholes around the world would have to come up with something else to watch together on TV while drinking beer and comparing the size of their dicks. I suggest Sesame Street. Then they can worry about why Elmo gets them hard while actually learning their ABCs, which is much more useful than the fact that big strong steroid guys can run at each other and fall down and hurt themselves. How about a little entertainment that requires brain cells. So fuck football, it's a goddam waste of time. I'm not impressed. If I want to see people hurting each other, I'll watch the debates. Give me a political candidate in a chokehold and I'm happy. Can you imagine the bliss if every single professional politician disappeared off the face of the planet? You think if we all prayed hard enough, God would grant us this wish? Oh lord, why don't you love us enough to let Hillary Clinton develop laser eyes that make Obama's head explode? That would be just as entertaining as the trampled children clutching their sour gummy worms while stampeding parents search frantically for the bar code on a mango. I'd vote for anybody with laser eyes, especially if they had a good healthcare plan, one that allowed everyone I dislike to die painfully. All I want to hear is the promise. They don't even have to mean it. All they have to say is if elected, they will personally see to it that everyone who pisses me off will suddenly disappear, including them, and they've got my vote.
Disinfotainment Today was schizophrenic, offering hard news combined with ridiculous comedy. It has now split into two blogs. From now on, the hard news comes out daily on weekdays at http://dailyfreep.blogspot.com. It started as a project for the Los Angeles Free Press and it's called the Daily Freep. Go there and subscribe by email or RSS feed. I won't be sending them out to the darenet or helenahandbasket lists. Let me know if they're useful.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Clayton Cubitt says:
One House At A Time is a volunteer group that descended on my mom's little adopted hometown of Pearlington MS in the days after Katrina hit. They've rebuilt dozens of homes in the community, including hers, and they're still going strong. It's one of the most uplifting stories to come out of Katrina.