Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Pitch: Jerry Maguire in a wheelchair.
The Premise: "A hotshot sports agent parks in a handicapped spot and gets sentenced by a judge to spend a month in a wheelchair," recalls a creative exec at a major production house. "Which is fine, until he falls for a woman with a real disability, but doesn't explain that he isn't actually handicapped. How's that for a third-act complication, motherfucker?!"
Suggested Tagline: You had me at paraplegic.
The Pitch: Like Friends, except everyone's homeless.
The Premise: "The cast was supposed to be young and good-looking; they just happened to live on the streets," recalls a prominent TV agent. "The conceit was that everyone would hang out in Central Park instead of Central Perk. The guy really thought we could sell it to NBC."
Suggested Cast: Michael Pitt (Chandler), Courtney Love (Rachel), Gary Busey (Joey), Pete Doherty (Ross), Natasha Lyonne (Phoebe), Mary-Kate Olsen (Monica).
The Pitch: Empire Records meets Rendition.
The Premise: "A DJ who specializes in playing 'torture' music to extract information from detainees. A major producer took my partner and me out to China Grill to discuss his idea," says a screenwriter. "He said he had Jim Carrey on board for the title role. He described the first scene of the movie as, 'Jim Carrey hops into a limo after getting a page in the middle of a show he's performing. Cut to him walking, slow motion, into a dark room, where a tense interrogation of a drug dealer is taking place. He proceeds to break out two black bags that contain ... turntables.' That was the last we heard."
Suggested Tagline: Rockin' for the free world.
Spayed in Manhattan
The Pitch: Sex and the City meets Trading Places meets Homeward Bound meets The Emperor's New Groove.
The Premise: "An heiress party girl trades places with her dog in a freak accident and is forced to make it on the streets of Manhattan," says an agent at CAA. "If she doesn't change back before she gets spayed, she has to stay a dog forever."
Suggested Tagline: You'll howl, beg, and roll over as the summer's biggest little comedy warms its way into your heart.
Suggested Cast: Haylie Duff (the party girl), Nicollette Sheridan and Kevin Kline (the parents), Morgan Freeman (the dogcatcher with a heart of gold).
The Pitch: I Am Sam meets The Goonies.
The Premise: "A ragtag band of physically and mentally challenged vigilantes tries to take down McBeggar, an evil capitalist who has enslaved a group of handicapped folks to work in a panhandling scheme," recalls a development exec. "Presumably, their handicaps made them more likely to solicit donations. That's as far as I got."
Suggested Cast: Robin Williams, Tim Allen, Artie Lange, and Steve Buscemi (the vigilantes); Alan Cumming (the evil capitalist).
The Pitch: The Wizard of Oz meets Seabiscuit.
The Premise: "A down-on-his-luck racehorse is worried he may be off to the glue factory because he just can't seem to win the big one," remembers a development exec at an animation studio. "Until one day he stumbles upon a pair of magic tennis shoes to run in."
Suggested Tagline: The neighs have it!
From Project Redlight
A recent obituary in the Los Angeles Times began: "Bernie Boston, the photojournalist who captured the iconic image of a young Vietnam War protester placing a flower in the barrel of a rifle held by a National Guardsman died...The photo known as 'Flower Power' became Boston's signature image and earned him acclaim in the world of photojournalism. Taken during an antiwar march on the Pentagon on Oct. 22, 1967, the photo was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize."
The protester, not identified, was Joel Tornabene. In my autobiography - Confessions of a Raving, Unconfined Nut: Misadventures in the Counterculture, published by Simon & Schuster in 1993 - I described him as "an unheralded Yippie organizer known as Super-Joel. His grandfather was Mafia boss Sam Giancana, but Super-Joel had dropped out of the family business. Instead, he let his hair grow long and distributed LSD. The intelligence division of the Chicago Police Department warned Giancana that Super-Joel shouldn't hang around with me. The cops were telling the Mafia that I was a bad influence. It could've been worse. The FBI planned to 'neutralize' Dick Gregory by alerting the Mafia to his verbal attacks on the crime syndicate."
Super-Joel once told me, "If it wasn't for acid, I with my Sicilian ancestry and you with your Jewish ancestry, we would never have become such close friends." And he kissed me on the forehead. But that was okay. It meant love now, not murder.
Super-Joel was arrested during the 1968 Democratic convention. He yelled and gave the cops the finger through the caged door at the back of the paddy wagon. He got arrested three times that week. He was just another anonymous Yippie. FBI files indicated that the government wanted to indict twenty individuals for conspiracy to cross state lines for the purpose of inciting a riot at the convention, but the grand jury woudn't go along with such a wholesale indictment.
I wrote in my memoir that "Super-Joel's indictment was dropped when an attorney for...Sam Giancana, managed to persuade them that not only did Super-Joel come from 'a socially prominent family' in Chicago, but also that he was mentally incompetent to stand trial." However, in 2006, I learned that his sister, Fran, had said, "Our grandfathers were a Sicilian doctor and a Norwegian Irish carpenter. I can't imagine how anyone would actually believe that Giancana relationship."
I contacted her immediately, apologizing "for passing on false information," adding that "Although I included that story in my autobiography, recently I've had the rights reverted back to me, and I plan to have it re-published in an updated edition, so I will certainly include a postscript revealing that hoax."
She replied, "I think that Joel must have had quite a good time with the 'Giancana connection hoax.' I was first made aware of this story after his death in Mexico in 1993. His attorney, Dennis Roberts, came to Chicago to meet with my mother and our family. He seemed to be quite surprised to see a simple middle-class family home in Franklin Park, rather than a River Forest Mafia compound. I wasn't aware of the extent of this story until Prairie Prince, who I know Joel was close to for years, asked me a few years ago which side of the family was Giancana. Since then, I've seen your tale regarding his being moved to the unindicted co-conspirator list due to the 'grandfather connection.'"
"I'm embarrassed to admit that I believed it," I confessed, "simply because Joel was extremely convincing when he told me - so I'm a professional prankster who got pranked himself - but I really had no way of double-checking his personalized put-on."
And I'm not the only one who's been fooled like that. Another sister, Felicia, has located an interview in which Tom Waits is asked who Joel is.
Q. "Who's Joel Tornabene?"
A. "He's in the concrete biz. Mob guy. He was the grandson of Sam Giancana from Chicago. He did some yard work for me, and I hung out with him most of the time. He died in Mexico about five years ago. He was a good friend of [producer/composer] Hal Wilner, and he was a good guy. He had an errant--I don't know how to put this--he used to go around, and when he saw something he liked in somebody's yard, he would go back that night with a shovel, dig it up and plant it in your yard. We used to get a kick out of that. So I stopped saying, 'I really like that rosebush, I really like that banana tree, I really like that palm.' Because I knew what it meant. He came over once with twelve chickens as a gift. My wife said, 'Joel, don't even turn the car off. Turn that car around and take those chickens back where you found them.' He was a good friend, one of the wildest guys I've ever known."
Waits has written a song that includes this lyric: "Joel Tornabene lies broken on the wheel...."
And the ten-year-old son of Joel's cousin recently used Joel as a topic for a history project - he centered it on the '68 convention - titled "Someone Who Took a Stand."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Melrose Quality Pain Relief, 4906 Melrose Ave, Mid-Wilshire; 323.957.7777
Herbal Nutrition Center, 1435 S. La Cienega Blvd. Suite G, Mid-Wilshire; 310.855.9484
Most of your essentials are already distributed by vending machines: condoms, electronics, luscious 1-calorie Tab... But now, you can finally get what you really need: medical marijuana, from Anytime Vending Machines.
AVMs are 24/7 machines housed in standalone rooms, abutting two dispensaries and protected by round-the-clock security guards -- like ATMs for people combating psychological withdrawal with a physical one. After cinching up your doctor's consultation, hit an AVM location to get your prescription approved, fingerprint taken, and a prepaid credit card loaded with your profile: dosage (3.5 or 7 grams, up to 1oz a week) and strain preference (choice of five, including OG Cush and Granddaddy Purple, the mildly hallucinogenic forebear to Prince). Then day or night, all you do is hit a machine and walk away with enough vacuum-sealed, plastic-encapsulated cheeba to adequately treat your illness, and guarantee your car never smells like new leather again.
The AVMs are already in place at their respective dispensaries and will be fully-operational by Monday, though their vestibules are still under construction; future plans include machine-vended pharmaceuticals like Vicodin, Viagra, and Propecia -- for when the excessive chemicals in Tab have wracked you with pain, limpness, and baldness.
Check out one of the dispensaries that's stocking the AVM at HerbalNutritionCenterLA.com
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wake up to the smell of...Animosity...
Connects via WiFi to your online bank account, and donates YOUR real money to an organization you HATE when you decide to snooze!
For years the masses have told you that if you snooze you lose. You never believed them. You held your head high and slept in whenever you wanted to, always without fear of loss. Well, dear friends, the times have changed. The ingenious sages at ThinkGeek Labs(TM) have finally created the Ultimate weapon against snoozing - the SnūzNLūz(TM). People who enjoy sleeping in are cowering in fear all across the globe - it's finally true, when you snooze, you lose!
ThinkGeek, it sounds great! But how does it really work?
Glad you asked....it's quite simple actually. The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as 'HATRED'. Basically it's human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it's human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That's why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved.
And it's easy to setup and use too! Just plug your SnūzNLūz in and either connect it to your network via the RJ45 jack on the back, or via WiFi (WPA supported) if available. Then simply configure via the embedded web browser configuration utility. From here it's a snap. Simply select your online banking institution from the list of supported banks (currently over 1600 are supported). Supply your login information and then select your favorite HATED charity or non-profit from the included lists (over 6200 currently supported). Then plug in your donation amount per snooze incident ($10 or more), set the time, and alarm, and voila, instant time profit!
Common Usage Suggestions!
Are you a butcher? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to PETA
Are you a republican? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the ACLU!
Are you a land developer? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the Wilderness Society!
Enjoy your freedom? (Blue state version) Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the GOP. or
Enjoy your freedom? (Red state version) Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to MoveOn.Org
Are you a hippie? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the American Coal Foundation.
Are you a Ninja? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to, hrrrm, we can't find a Pirate Charity at the moment. But there must be one...somewhere...anyways, the point is it's easy to setup once you identify your enemy!
Never before, except for that one time, has a product created the potential for so much time profit in the world. And we are so sure that you'll never snooze again, we've created a very special promise. We promise you'll never snooze again with SnūzNLūz or you'll eventually go broke. It's that simple.
Really Fine Print: ThinkGeek reserves the right to take up to a 50% commision on all donations made through the SnūzNLūz. In fact the software supplied with the clock ensures such is the case. Yay!. However, we promise to only use the money for rockets and beach front property.
"That's Jesus on the Cross. Just looking at it I don't have to convince," said Renee.
Renee says she had been looking for an excuse to get out of making potato salad. "I was hesitant about making the potato salad because Sister Frankie makes the potato salad at church and I said lord if it's not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign."
She thought she got her sign right off the bat. "The first potato I split in half and put it to the side because it looked rotten.
It was her 10-year-old granddaughter who made her give the potato a second look. "My granddaughter said Granny did you see that in the middle? I said what?"
And taking a closer look she saw the cross with Jesus in the middle. "It's remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago."
Pastor Brewster froze the heart of that potato bearing Jesus. The rest was used to make the potato salad served during their weekly rescue mission.
How was that potato salad? "It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's," said Bishop Brewster.
The potato did more than feed them physically. It nourished them spiritually and helped reinvigorate their mission.
"The holiday season was there and we didn't know how in the world we were going to be able to bless...but we did and when this occurred it gave us this extra motivation that intuition hey we aren't in this alone," said Bishop Brewster.
"I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready," said Pastor Brewster.
Former sex industry workers Annie Lobert (r) of Hookers for Jesus and Heather Veitch (l) from JC's Girls
Las Vegas used to be a lucrative haunt for Annie Lobert, a $500-a-day escort girl, and Heather Veitch, a highly-remunerated stripper. Now the vivacious double act patrol the city's neon-lit streets with a dramatically different mission - to save souls rather than sell their bodies.
But the strategically-located message adorning their tight black T-shirts gives away their new mission - as born-again Christians.
Embossed in gaudy pink, the word "Hookers" appears above the Christian symbol of the fish across Ms Lobert's chest, while Ms Veitch's shirt bears the legend "Holy Hotties".
Through their two groups, "Hookers for Jesus" and "JC's Girls", they perform what is arguably America's most unusual Christian outreach operation, aimed at their former colleagues.