Thursday, December 10, 2009


The Powers That Be: What do you want to let us make you president?
Obama: I'd like the Nobel Peace Prize.
The Powers That Be: Workable, but you've got to increase the forces in Afghanistan.
Obama: That doesn't make any sense.
The Powers That Be: Don't worry. You don't have to make the announcement till AFTER they announce you've won.
Obama: Cool.

Top 10 Christmas Movies I Want to See

Top 10 Christmas Movies I Want to See
by Michael Dare
10: It's a Horrible Life: Clarence the angel gets his wings after convincing George W. Bailey to kill himself by showing him how absolutely fantastic the world would have been had he never been born.
9: The Polar Espresso: Elves from around the world are kidnapped and forced to work at the first Starbucks at the North Pole.
8: How the Magnanimous Billionaire Gave Away Christmas: A mad billionaire hires minions to sneak into people's houses and replace the gifts around the tree with much better ones.
7: Homo Alone: I really don't want to see this. What was I thinking? You go see it.
6: Elf Realization: Che Elf rouses the toy workers to overthrow their hefty master. Siddhartha Elf finds enlightenment.
5: The Nightmare After Christmas: A swamped clerk at a Wal-Mart's return desk kidnaps shoppers and opens an underground slave department where illegal aliens can buy white people.
4: The Little Shop Around the Coroner: Law and Order meets CSI meets Bones meets Love, Actually, with a bit of Die Hard and Eyes Wide Shut thrown in.
3: Rudolph the Normal-Nosed Reindeer: There's nothing special about Rudolph so he never guides Santa's sleigh or ever really amounts to anything. Nobody writes a song about him and he dies in obscurity.
2: Disaster on 34th Street: Santa is hijacked by elf terrorists who crash his sleigh into Macy's which mysteriously comes crumbling down in what many claim must have been a controlled demolition. The US declares war on the North Pole and blows up a Starbucks. Gimbels has its biggest week ever.
and the number one Christmas movie I want to see...
1. The Most Improbable Story Ever Told: A virgin who appears on tortillas gives birth to a man who can walk on water. Starring Jesus Saves (pronounced Hey-soos Sah-vess.)

Monday, December 7, 2009

Having hope gives me hope

At Hopenhagen there's a map of the world showing a quote from each of the 1,745,537 concerned citizens who have signed a petition begging the United Nations Climate Change Conference to come to their senses, and a good petition it is, well worth signing. The form shows a blank space before the words "gives me hope," hoping people will create phrases like "beauty gives me hope" or "Viagra gives me hope" but the vast majority of submissions don't quite get the concept, creating things like "Let's gather together in peace gives me hope" and "what countries will get submerged gives me hope."
Come to sign the global warming petition. Stay to make fun of others.