Thursday, May 1, 2008


50% Beethoven, 50% Duke Ellington, 100% Bradley Sowash
A genuine masterpiece from
Watch it if you're a piano player and learn something, or just listen while reading the rest of Dareland.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Scuba diving for Chihuahuas

Mondex, a 5-year-old Chihuahua, poses as he walks the aisle dressed as a scuba diver during a dog show at a mall in suburban Manila on Sunday April 27, 2008. Mondex bagged first place during the fashion show category.

Photo by Aaron Favila


Yeah, I'm WGA and wrote for Steven Spielberg Presents "Animaniacs" and "Histeria!" and even saw scripts turned into comic books, but just try to get Warner Brothers Animation to do something these days.

Go ahead and make it. I offer the following shot list under a Creative Commons License and ask for nothing but story credit.

by Michael Dare

A lonesome ugly man walks down a pier prepared to go fishing. He is carrying a rod and reel, a tackle box, and a bucket. He sits down on a bench at the end of the pier, opens his tackle box, and looks through his equipment. He finds just the right hook, puts it on the line, adds a few weights, then looks in another compartment for some lures.

He pulls out a tiny mink coat, inspects it, decides it's perfect, and puts it on the hook. He stands, does a flawless overhead cast, and sends the lure flying into the sea.

A city street in Beverly Hills is double exposed with a bubbling fish tank, making the whole scene look like it's underwater. A beautiful woman comes out of Bijan's, heading to her car. She spies a mink coat lying on the sidewalk. She looks around to see who it belongs to. Spying no one, she sneaks up to it and quickly puts it on.

The man on the pier feels a tug on the line and immediately starts reeling it in.

The woman in Beverly Hills shrieks as she lifts off the ground and quickly flies into the sky.

The man takes out his net, reels in the woman, and nets her. Like King Kong, he gently takes her out of the net, removes the hook from the coat, and inspects his prize. She is quite a beauty. He holds her up against a chart to make sure she's above the legal size, then he throws her into the bucket.

Inside the bucket, the woman looks around for a means of escape but finds none.

The man looks through his tackle box for another lure. He finds an incredible shiny diamond bracelet, puts it on the hook, and casts again.

In an underwater mall, a lovely young girl in a sports outfit sees something glistening on the floor. She stops to tie her shoe, looks around, and grabs the bracelet. She stands, looks at it closely, then puts it on.

The man feels another tug on the line and starts reeling it in.

The young girl in the sports outfit in the underwater mall gives a yelp as she is lifted up by the wrist and goes flying into the sky.

The man reels her in and nets her. When he inspects her, he gets a bit puzzled. He reaches into his box and pulls out a copy of "The Observers Guide to American Women." He discovers she's a "full-blooded Cherokee Indian - extremely rare." He is extremely pleased with his Indian maiden. He throws her into the bucket with his other catch of the day, then hunts for another lure.

In the bucket, the two women look at each other in puzzlement. One climbs on the other's shoulders to escape but the top is too high and she falls.

Time passes. In rapid succession, the man catches a choir girl using a set of rosary beads, a biker chick using a Harley, and a hippie beauty with a spectacular nug.

The sun starts setting. The man looks in his bucket. It is full of beautiful women of all shapes and sizes, who are building a human pyramid to escape their mysterious fate. He decides to call it a day.

He puts away his hook and takes apart his rod and reel. He relaxes, removes a sandwich from his tackle box, and takes a bite. Suddenly, he goes flying into the air.

On another pier, a lonesome ugly woman reels in her prize, a miniature lonesome ugly man. She laughs.

Working together, all the female catches manage to overturn the bucket. They all exit the bucket, walk across the pier, and jump back into the sea.

The man's captor inspects him, looking him up in "The Observer's Guide to Aging British Male Rock Stars." She decides he's just fine, and throws him into her bucket.

The man looks around. His jaw drops. With him in the bucket are Phil Collins, Rod Stewart, Elton John, and a guy who looks like Pete Townsend.

The woman packs up her gear and walks into the sunset with her rod, reel, and bucket.

The End

ADDENDUM: It's a running gag. The final joke can be rewritten hundreds of different ways by simply changing the title of the book. Make it "The Observer's Guide to Overrated Assholes" and fill the bucket accordingly. Hell, make it a game, like JibJab, let people fill in the faces. You have my permission to rewrite the ending any way you want.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.