Saturday, July 2, 2016

A is for Elephant


A is for elephant and no one can blame me
          For calling your attention to an elephant named Amy
                    [Amy is a very cute young elephant who very clearly dreams of becoming a ballerina one day.]

B is for Barney who isn’t an elephant
          And has no opinion on anything relephant
                    [Barney is a human who is so involved in his smart phone that he is completely oblivious to the traffic jam he is causing while crossing the street]

C is for Cantaloupe, and it’s time to cower
          If Amy can spy one around to devour
                    [Heavily -armed Amy is prepared to defend her cantaloupe to the death]

D is for Dumbo, whom everyone knows
Is Elephant for “someone who wears stupid clothes”
   [Elephants in an old-age home watch Dumbo on TV and make fun of it.]

E is for everyone who had the chance
          To go to the circus to see Amy dance
   [It’s not just a dream. Amy has an actual gig in a circus where she is the main attraction. Viewers watch in awe as she does a pliĆ©.]

F is for font from which all letters grow.
This one is elephant, we thought you should know.

G is for Ghana where Barney is from
Which doesn’t explain how he turned out so dumb
   [Barney sits on the nozzle of his rifle while spying a herd of elephants in the distance with a pair of binoculars. This picture explains how Barney shot his ass off.]

H is for herbivore, also for Hannibal
Neither of whom would be seen with a cannibal
   [Both a hippie and Hannibal look with disdain at a cannibal who is cooking them in a pot.]

I is for Ivory, for which, so they say
96 elephants are killed every day
   [A proud hunter displays his booty mounted on a wall.]

J is for John Merrick, the elephant man
Whose physical features were unrightly hated
He tried to sit up in bed one night
And ended up asphyxiated.
                    [John Merrick’s tombstone with his picture and this poem on it…]

Tis true my form is something odd.
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind's the standard of the man.

K is for Kenya where elephants romp
And everyone loves their production of Stomp
   [Giant chorus line of elephants dancing and beating on trashcan lids.]

L is for Leaky who had a suggestion
To shoot all the poachers without any question
   [Picture of a poacher taking aim at an elephant while another elephant in
the bushes takes aim at him.]

M is for mammals who eat lots of Ramen
Our family is something that we’ve got in common
   [Picture of mammals on the left consisting of nothing but men and elephants, with all non-mammals on the right.]

N is for nincompoop, of which Barney is one
Just look what he does for a barrel of fun
   [Something fantastic is happening right in front of Barney while he is engrossed in his smart phone.]

P is for peanuts which elephants consume
After bales of hay if they’ve got any room
   [A chart showing what elephants actually eat, dispelling the myth they love peanuts.]

Q is for Qatar and this much is true
They’ve only got one and it lives in a zoo
   [A lonely elephant sits in a lonely zoo in a magnificent futuristic city in the middle of nowhere.]

R is for something that Barney must know
          Respect for all creatures is the right way to go.
   [Barney meditates and has an epiphany about the interconnections of all life on earth.]

S is for species both African and Asian
Though either will do for a special occasion.
   [An African elephant is the first man and an Asian elephant is a bridesmaid at a fancy human wedding.]

T ‘s for proboscis, AKA trunk
Without which a drink could never be drunk
   [A macho elephant on spring break is at a bar toasting with a human while their trunk is in another direction stealing beer from the tap.]

U is for is for Under as in under-cover
Where Barney’s pretending to be Amy’s lover
   [Barney sneaks Amy out of the circus by pretending they’re both teenagers out on a date and they’re making out as they walk out the exit.]

V is for all who exist on the veldts
None of whom get just how strange Amy felt
                   [Amy has been set free for the first time in her life. She is actually in Africa surrounded by actual wild animals. She is the only one in a tutu.]

W is for elephants who do the Watusi
And for the bees who see much more than you see
   [As seen through the eyes of a bee, Amy degrades herself by dancing in a box at the Whiskey A Go Go.]

X is for Xanax of every variety
None of which helps for poor Amy’s anxiety
   [Amy’s totally stressed out, smoking a cigarette in a seedy motel, staring out the window at a neon sign.]

Z is for zoo where you’ll never see Amy
She opens on Broadway if someone’ll pay me
   [Picture of Barney who is now Amy’s big Hollywood agent, on the phone in an office surrounded by posters of Amy.]