Monday, September 14, 2009

Two girls, one idiot

Okay, I'm chiming in on this Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Kanye West controversy at the VMA Awards, which just got me to Google and watch the two videos, one of which won BEST VIDEO and the other of which won BEST FEMALE VIDEO, which caused Kanye to blow his cool and grab the mike away from Taylor Swift to say Beyonce had been robbed.

Kanye West reminds the world he's a fucktard

Someone's got to say it so it might as well be me. This is a fight over two videos that are BOTH total crap. In one, three dames in leotards do a dance that's missing three poles while singing "if you want it, you better put a ring on it," delivering the astonishing message that Beyonce won't fuck me unless I ask her to marry me, and in the other, a hot teenage girl is in love with her hot teenage neighbor who's only interested in another hot teenager till the night of the prom when he finally realizes he was in love with her the whole time, which we find out when they both mysteriously pull out pieces of paper that say "I love you." Subtle.

Though they're both well shot, neither of these videos have an original frame.

Taylor Swift tries to get you to feel sorry for her because boys don't notice her

Beyonce reminds you that she's really hot but won't
fuck you unless you get down on your knees

Since people obviously judge songs minus the videos, it's fair game to judge these videos minus the songs. Turning down the sound, the Beyonce vid is just soft-core porn that would work with absolutely any song ever written, Elton John, I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself, just to pick one ironic gay icon that would give it an interesting spin. The Taylor Swift video at least has a story line and works as a competent silent movie, with a predictable beginning, predictable middle, and predictable end. It would work just as well, if not better, with something simple minded like early Beatles, Please Please Me or She Loves You, though Mad World from Donnie Darko would be just peachy.

Even the happy ending is a weird combination of fake emotion, where Beyonce does the right thing by letting Taylor Swift give a standard crappy acceptance speech

I'd like to thank the VMA and everyone else on earth for
giving me the opportunity to drive Kanye West crazy

Now that he's offended everyone on earth, I'm worried that Kanye West will never get laid again. Time to start a cause on Facebook. Won't you please buy a prostitute for Kanye West? Or a noose.