The problem with young people today is that they spontaneously burst into flames.
When I was a lad, we weren't allowed to combust spontaneously. We needed a permission slip from our parents before we could set ourselves ablaze. If I had ever turned into a fireball without my old dad's consent he would have snuffed me out with a fireman's axe and scattered my ashes to the wind.
And then he would have travelled back in time, assassinated Archduke Ferdinand and invented the Frisbee.
But these young people today. They burst into flame all over the place without any concern for public decency or safety. It's a big joke to them. They're only happy when melting flesh is sliding off their bones and their intestines are being cooked into farmers' sausage.
It's disrespectful and unnatural, damn it. They walk down the street with their higher than normal body temperatures, asbestos underpants and glowing red eyes and think that they are better than older people.
They knock us over, take our wallets, give us wedgies and then burst into flames before you can smack them with your cane.
If this keeps up it won't be long before flaming teenagers are ruling this planet and have enslaved us all. Our fiery overlords will demolish our churches, eat seal pups and ban renewable energy. Old folks will be forced to work in anthracite mines and take part in dramatic re-enactments of the Hannah Montana television program.
And when that day comes, we'll all be well and truly sorry.