by Michael Dare
10: It's a Horrible Life: Clarence the angel gets his wings after convincing George W. Bailey to kill himself by showing him how absolutely fantastic the world would have been had he never been born.
9: The Polar Espresso: Elves from around the world are kidnapped and forced to work at the first Starbucks at the North Pole.
8: How the Magnanimous Billionaire Gave Away Christmas: A mad billionaire hires minions to sneak into people's houses and replace the gifts around the tree with much better ones.
7: Homo Alone: I really don't want to see this. What was I thinking? You go see it.
6: Elf Realization: Che Elf rouses the toy workers to overthrow their hefty master. Siddhartha Elf finds enlightenment.
5: The Nightmare After Christmas: A swamped clerk at a Wal-Mart's return desk kidnaps shoppers and opens an underground slave department where illegal aliens can buy white people.
4: The Little Shop Around the Coroner: Law and Order meets CSI meets Bones meets Love, Actually, with a bit of Die Hard and Eyes Wide Shut thrown in.
3: Rudolph the Normal-Nosed Reindeer: There's nothing special about Rudolph so he never guides Santa's sleigh or ever really amounts to anything. Nobody writes a song about him and he dies in obscurity.
2: Disaster on 34th Street: Santa is hijacked by elf terrorists who crash his sleigh into Macy's which mysteriously comes crumbling down in what many claim must have been a controlled demolition. The US declares war on the North Pole and blows up a Starbucks. Gimbels has its biggest week ever.
and the number one Christmas movie I want to see...
1. The Most Improbable Story Ever Told: A virgin who appears on tortillas gives birth to a man who can walk on water. Starring Jesus Saves (pronounced Hey-soos Sah-vess.)
White Christmas - In a world stricken by global warming, on a Christmas night where the temperature hits 90, a race war breaks out at a local Wal-Mart and spreads across the country. Santa Claus arrives and tries to heal the wound, only to have rednecks shoot Rudolf and hang his badly-stuffed head on a wall. Santa goes all Wrath of God, laying waste and kicking butt, until his power goes out of control and tilts the earth's axis, unleashing massive tsunamis all over the world, thus alleviating global warming and overpopulation at the same time. As snow begins to fall, the surviving whites and blacks join hands and sing Feliz Navidad on a Hollywood set of a New England farmhouse set.
ReplyDeleteAll great flicks. Expecially the one about Rudolph. - Your pal, Horace
ReplyDelete