The Chicken Coops of Madison County

This treatment for an episode of "Steven Spielberg presents Animaniacs" was purchased by Warner Brothers Animation but the show was cancelled before it was produced.

INT. LAWYERS OFFICE
Carolyn and Michael, a brother and sister in their 20s, sit at a large table. They are listening intently to a pompous lawyer.

POMPOUS LAWYER
...and to my darling two children, I leave the contents of my safety deposit box.

Carolyn and Michael try to look casual as the lawyer brings out the box, then they both grab at it and pull it open. Michael reaches in and removes several pictures of their mom standing in front of a chicken coop, plus a book called “The Chicken Coops of Madison County.” The music swells. They open it up. A letter falls out. Carolyn opens the letter and starts reading.

MICHAEL
What is that?

CAROLYN
It’s from mom.

MICHAEL
Well read it.

CAROLYN
“I suppose I shouldn’t be telling you this, but by contract, I must. I have kept it inside for too long. Once in a lifetime, you find something so rare, so tender, so juicy that it changes your life forever. It started when daddy took you to the fair, leaving me alone for four days.”

CROSS FADE TO:

EXT. FARMHOUSE
Francesca is a statuesque farmer’s wife standing on the porch watching her family drive away. The wind blows through her dress. The music swells. The clouds part as golden celestial light falls on a beaten old truck pulling up the driveway. The truck stops and Boo gets out, though he is so heavily backlit you can’t tell it’s him.

FRANCESCA (V.O.)
The first day...he showed up. He told me he was lost, that he was looking for a chicken coop, one of those old wooden covered coops that made Madison County so famous. There was something about him, maybe his smile. I could tell he wasn’t from Madison. I asked his name.

CHICKEN BOO
Buck Buck BcGaw...

FRANCESCA
Buck BcGaw? That’s an interesting name.

Boo points to the side of his truck, which has his logo painted on - “Buck BcGaw - Professional Photographer.”

FRANCESCA (V.O.)
He was on assignment from Frequent Fryer Magazine and he needed a guide. He caught me in his spell. I was so transfixed that for one moment, I forgot to do my Italian accent.

INT. TRUCK
Boo drives while Francesca points the way.

EXT. BARNYARD
They arrive at a dilapidated old chicken coop. Boo takes Francesca’s picture in front of it.

INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE
Michael and Carolyn look at the picture. She puts down the letter. Michael picks up the book and starts reading.

MICHAEL
She reminded me of ancient times and distant music. Her dress was as florid as my squirrelly prose.

LOVE MONTAGE as Michael and Carolyn alternate reading.

Finally...

FRANCESCA
He felt feathery, oh so feathery. I know you think I’m an adulteress but it’s not true. I’m more of a poultress. He was my first fling, my flirt with foul, and I don’t regret a thing. Now that I am dead, I can finally tell you the truth. I know it will have a profound effect upon your lives.

The wind blows. The music swells. We leave her crying on the porch.

SLOW CROSS FADE TO:

INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE
Michael and Carolyn are cracking up laughing. Michael puts down the book.

MICHAEL
Hoo boy, mom. What a card.

CAROLYN
She always did have a weird sense of humor.

MICHAEL
That was the worst thing I’ve ever read.

CAROLYN
What should we do with it?

MICHAEL
I’ve got an idea.

CUT TO:

EXT. COVERED BRIDGE
Michael and Carolyn set fire to the one and only copy of “The Chicken Coops of Madison County” by Buck BcGaw. The violins swell as the ashes scatter into the wind. The world is spared.

MICHAEL
I’m hungry.

CAROLYN
What do you feel like?

MICHAEL
How about Popeye’s?

CAROLYN
Great...

FADE OUT:

One Boo Over the Cuckoo's Nest

This treatment for an episode of "Steven Spielberg presents Animaniacs" was purchased by Warner Brothers Animation but the show was cancelled before it was produced.

EXT. ACME INSANE ASYLUM - DAY
An ambulance screeches up. Two MEN IN WHITE COATS remove CHICKEN BOO, who is in a straight jacket.

INT. ACME INSANE ASYLUM - DAY

The MEN IN WHITE COATS take CHICKEN BOO to the front desk where there is a NURSE and a DOCTOR.

NURSE
Can I help you?

MAN IN WHITE COAT
Yeah. We want you to admit this guy.

NURSE
What’s wrong with him?

MAN IN WHITE COAT
He thinks he’s a giant chicken.

The NURSE looks at the doctor, who shrugs his shoulders. She looks back at the MEN IN WHITE COATS.

NURSE
But he IS a giant chicken.

The MEN IN WHITE COATS look at each other. They look at the DOCTOR, who nods.

They quickly take the straight jacket off CHICKEN BOO and put it on the NURSE. They drag her down the hall.

NURSE (CONT’D)
What are you doing? Stop. There’s nothing wrong with me. He is a chicken, I tell you. HE IS A CHICKEN.....

CHICKEN BOO and the DOCTOR are left alone. BOO looks at the DOCTOR, who shrugs. BOO clucks and walks out the door.

THE END

An American Warner in London

This treatment for an episode of "Steven Spielberg presents Animaniacs" was purchased by Warner Brothers Animation but the show was cancelled before it was produced.

“RULE BRITTANIA” PLAYS OVER A GLORIOUS MONTAGE OF MODERN LONDON. 

 

Two very proper British Gentlemen are sitting at a bus stop. 

GENT #1 
Glorious, day, glorious. 

GENT #2 
Quite, quite. 

A bus pulls up. The Warners disembark. They are all wearing Hawaiian shirts, shorts, and backpacks - looking like typical American tourists. 

GENT #1 
Look, how cute. 

GENT #2 
Yes, quite cute. 

YAKKO 
What a dump. Let’s get out of here. 

He tries to get back in the bus but WAKKO stops him. 

WAKKO 
Oh no you don’t. We’re spending a week in London and we’re going to find me Aunt Gladys. 

They ask the gentlemen for directions. The gentlemen tell them where to go. 

The Warners are creeping down a dark dripping alley. 

YAKKO 
A-a-a-h I don’t think this is Picadilly Circus. 

WAKKO 
Where are the animals? 

There’s a forlorn Ho-o-o-o-o-wl. 

YAKKO 
That’s one, but I don’t think it was an elephant. 

Dot peeks behind a trashcan. 

DOT 
Look, it’s a little baby poodle. It’s cold. Poor thing. 

She reaches out but the little puffy furball nips her on the hand and runs away. 

DOT 
Owwwww!!!! It hurts. I need a bandaid. 

A door suddenly opens. There’s raucus laughter from inside. The Warners enter. 

INT. COZY ENGLISH PUB 

There are mugs of broth, darts, and general gaiety that stops as soon as the Warners enter. 

WAKKO 
Hello mates. 

Silence. The Warners look around and notice strange things about the bar. There’s a pentagon on the wall made out of milkbones. Everyone is staring at them in silence, even the dogs playing poker in a picture on the wall. There are candles surrounding a doggy bowl full of garlic. 

DOT 
Excuse me, but has anybody got a bandaid? I was just bitten by a poodle. 

EXT. DARK ALLEY 

The pub door swings open and the Warners come flying out. 

They hear another howl. They start running. Suddenly, they’re on a busy street. A woman struts by walking her poodle. 

DOT 
Look, how cute. 

The poodle gives her a knowing glance. 

They find Wakkos’ Aunt Gladys, who lets them in, fixes Dot’s wound, and tucks them into bed for the night. They each get their own rooms. 

Midnight. A full moon peeks out from the clouds. 

Dot is asleep. She gives a short yap and wakes up. She looks at her hands, which are turning into paws. Her snout grows longer. Little puffs of fur appear at her shoulders, elbows, and knees. She turns pink. Little bows appear in her hair. She looks in the mirror. She has turned into the most horribly cute poodle on earth. She leaps out the window and yaps. 

INT. HOSPITAL 

Doctor Hirsch is talking to a patient. 

DOCTOR 
I’m afraid I have bad news. You have what we call adorabilitis, which gives you an intense allergic reaction to cuteness. You can lead a normal life as long as you never come in contact with anything adorable. If you do, well, there’s no telling what will happen. 

The doctor leaves. The patient looks out the window and sees a giant pink poodle peeking in. The patient shrieks and falls back in the bed. 

CLOSE-UP: NEWSPAPERS 

The headlines read “PATIENT DIES IN FREAK POODLE ATTACK,” “MONSTER MUTT TERRORIZES TOWN,” and “PRINCE CHARLES DENIES ROMANCE WITH POODLE.” 

Dot wakes up in a dog pound. She can’t convince them that she’s not a dog and they refuse to set her free. 

Wakko and Yakko search for their sister. They go back to the pub where they hear the horrifying tale of the curse of the werepoodle. Only one thing can break the curse, but I don’t know what it is. They continue their search for Dot. 

That night at the pound, the full moon shines through the window. The other dogs back off in disbelief as Dot goes through her transformation. She breaks open the bars and sets everyone free. 

Dot terrorizes the town again through unbearable acts of cuteness. Wakko and Yakko catch up with her. Silver bullets don’t work. Garlic doesn’t work. Nothing works except the plot contrivance I haven’t come up with yet. 

Wakko, Yakko, and Dot are waiting at the bus stop with the same two gents. Dot slaps her arm. 

DOT 
O-o-o-o-w! 

YAKKO 
What’s wrong? 

DOT 
A mosquito bit me. 

Everybody runs away in terror. 

FADE OUT: 

REPUBLICANS WORST NIGHTMARE: Man buys lobster with food stamps.

"It was on sale," said Michael Dare. "I mean look at this sign..."

"If my local Red Apple goes to all the trouble of having this sale once a year," Dare continued, "I can certainly go to all the trouble of buying one for the sole purpose of being John Boehner's worst nightmare."

"There was only one left when I got there. It's like the world was telling me that as long as I was going to steal from the rich, I may as well do it in style." Mr. Dare also stated that he considered spending his cash allotment on a crack whore but decided instead to spend it on rent, storage, a bus pass, and toilet paper. "Maybe next month," said Mr. Dare, "now where's the butter section?"