A is for elephant and no one can blame me
For calling your attention to an elephant named Amy
[Amy is a very cute young elephant who very clearly dreams of becoming a ballerina one day.]
B is for Barney who isn’t an elephant
And has no opinion on anything relephant
[Barney is a human who is so involved in his smart phone that he is completely oblivious to the traffic jam he is causing while crossing the street]
C is for Cantaloupe, and it’s time to cower
If Amy can spy one around to devour
[Heavily -armed Amy is prepared to defend her cantaloupe to the death]
D is for Dumbo, whom everyone knows
Is Elephant for “someone who wears stupid clothes”
[Elephants in an old-age home watch Dumbo on TV and make fun of it.]
E is for everyone who had the chance
To go to the circus to see Amy dance
[It’s not just a dream. Amy has an actual gig in a circus where she is the main attraction. Viewers watch in awe as she does a plié.]
F is for font from which all letters grow.
This one is elephant, we thought you should know.
G is for Ghana where Barney is from
Which doesn’t explain how he turned out so dumb
[Barney sits on the nozzle of his rifle while spying a herd of elephants in the distance with a pair of binoculars. This picture explains how Barney shot his ass off.]
H is for herbivore, also for Hannibal
Neither of whom would be seen with a cannibal
[Both a hippie and Hannibal look with disdain at a cannibal who is cooking them in a pot.]
I is for Ivory, for which, so they say
96 elephants are killed every day
[A proud hunter displays his booty mounted on a wall.]
J is for John Merrick, the elephant man
Whose physical features were unrightly hated
He tried to sit up in bed one night
And ended up asphyxiated.
[John Merrick’s tombstone with his picture and this poem on it…]
Tis true my form is something odd.
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind's the standard of the man.
K is for Kenya where elephants romp
And everyone loves their production of Stomp
[Giant chorus line of elephants dancing and beating on trashcan lids.]
L is for Leaky who had a suggestion
To shoot all the poachers without any question
[Picture of a poacher taking aim at an elephant while another elephant in
the bushes takes aim at him.]
M is for mammals who eat lots of Ramen
Our family is something that we’ve got in common
[Picture of mammals on the left consisting of nothing but men and elephants, with all non-mammals on the right.]
N is for nincompoop, of which Barney is one
Just look what he does for a barrel of fun
[Something fantastic is happening right in front of Barney while he is engrossed in his smart phone.]
P is for peanuts which elephants consume
After bales of hay if they’ve got any room
[A chart showing what elephants actually eat, dispelling the myth they love peanuts.]
Q is for Qatar and this much is true
They’ve only got one and it lives in a zoo
[A lonely elephant sits in a lonely zoo in a magnificent futuristic city in the middle of nowhere.]
R is for something that Barney must know
Respect for all creatures is the right way to go.
[Barney meditates and has an epiphany about the interconnections of all life on earth.]
S is for species both African and Asian
Though either will do for a special occasion.
[An African elephant is the first man and an Asian elephant is a bridesmaid at a fancy human wedding.]
T ‘s for proboscis, AKA trunk
Without which a drink could never be drunk
[A macho elephant on spring break is at a bar toasting with a human while their trunk is in another direction stealing beer from the tap.]
U is for is for Under as in under-cover
Where Barney’s pretending to be Amy’s lover
[Barney sneaks Amy out of the circus by pretending they’re both teenagers out on a date and they’re making out as they walk out the exit.]
V is for all who exist on the veldts
None of whom get just how strange Amy felt
[Amy has been set free for the first time in her life. She is actually in Africa surrounded by actual wild animals. She is the only one in a tutu.]
W is for elephants who do the Watusi
And for the bees who see much more than you see
[As seen through the eyes of a bee, Amy degrades herself by dancing in a box at the Whiskey A Go Go.]
X is for Xanax of every variety
None of which helps for poor Amy’s anxiety
[Amy’s totally stressed out, smoking a cigarette in a seedy motel, staring out the window at a neon sign.]
Z is for zoo where you’ll never see Amy
She opens on Broadway if someone’ll pay me
[Picture of Barney who is now Amy’s big Hollywood agent, on the phone in an office surrounded by posters of Amy.]
Splendid.
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