The Ludicrous Theory of Hate

Quick, which current presidential candidate has promised to roll back all the executive privileges Bush gave himself? Who's going to give us back habeas corpus and return to the public all the constitutional freedoms that were stolen by the Patriot Act? That's right, none of them. Whoever the next president is, I'm going to hate their guts. Whoever they are, they're going to build more prisons, start more wars, sell a shitload of weapons and oil, and fuck up a lot of poor people for their corporate globalist masters. We get to vote on the puppet, not the puppeteers, so here's how I look at the upcoming election and where to squander my vote: do I want to spend the next four years hating a black man, a white woman, or a white man? It's the ludicrous theory of hate practiced by all of us who rebel against leadership of any kind.

It just doesn't feel right to have to hate a black man. It seems politically incorrect on the face of it, like hating a native American or a Jew, I mean they've been through so much, poor chaps, they deserve a break. Of course I won't be hating him because he's black, I'll be hating him because he's the president, a corporate lackey, the new face of selling out, but the criticism will have the potential for misinterpretation, and the pressure will be there to validate my claims that he's an asshole by obsequiously professing my lack of racism every chance I get. It's tricky because real racists are going to be making the very same complaints, that he's a schmuck in black clothing, the Michael Jackson of politics, talented but power hungry, blissfully unaware of his own dementia. There, you see, I'm primed and loaded and he isn't even president yet.

Hating a woman doesn't feel much better. Just try to get laid if your primary obsession in life is hating a woman. Of course I won't be hating her because she's a woman, I'll be hating her because of her policies. It's not her fault she's a woman. I'm quite sure her lack of exterior genitalia won't prevent her from acting like the biggest dick on the planet. And won't it be fun when Bill finds out one of her interns was giving her head under the presidential desk when she gave her first state of the union address? Matt Drudge must be salivating.

Hating a white man feels so natural, like slipping on a banana peel, falling off a log, a piece of cake, angelfood of course, or jello, there's always room for a white man. Gimme a white man to hate and I'm happy. Fuck white men. White men are responsible for an extraordinarily disproportional slice of all the misery in the world, and if lust for power could be sucked from the souls of every white man in the world, like those lawyers at the bottom of the ocean, it's a start, and the world would be exceedingly grateful. Of course I'm a white man myself and look forward to four more years of self loathing.

So vote for John McCain if you want to spend the next four-to-eight years just like the last, hating a white man. Vote for Barack Obama if hating a black man for four-to-eight years is your cup of misery. And vote for Hillary if spending four-to-eight years hating a woman sounds like a profitable venture.

"The white male is the Jew of Liberal Fascism"

- Jonah Goldberg (putz): Liberal Fascism -