Monday, February 25, 2008

Religious Idiots of the Week


Project Pterosaur

By Dr. Richard Paley & Fellowship University Theobiology Department Staff

About Project Pterosaur

Mission Statement

The goal of Project Pterosaur is to mount an expedition to locate and bring back to the United States living specimens of pterosaurs or their fertile eggs, which will be displayed in a Pterosaur Rookery that will be the center piece of the planned Fellowship Creation Science Museum and Research Institute (FCSMRI). Furthermore, the rookery facility will establish a breeding colony of pterosaurs in order to produce specimens that could then be put on display by other regional institutions or church groups.

By doing all this, we hope to accomplish three goals:

  1. Support Creation Theory by showing the incorrectness of the philosophy of Evolutionism.
  2. Educate the population about Creation Science.
  3. Create excitement about Creation and the Bible in the public.

I (Dr. Paley) am the founder and Chief Officer of the project. I will also be leading the expedition and acting as Science Liaison to the public. Funding is being provided by Fellowship University, the Fairlight Institute, and donations from wealthy Christian businessmen who wish to remain anonymous at this time.

Why Look For Living Pterosaurs?

Kids love pterosaurs! Once Project Pterosaur is complete, children's eyes will be opened to the wonder of Creation.

Evolutionists have engaged in a propaganda campaign to trick the public into falsely believing that the Earth is billions of years old and that many animals which lived side-by-side with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden actually died millions of years before humans were created (or "evolved" in their twisted view.) By finding and displaying living examples of what the Evolutionists claim is impossible, we will sow the seeds of Evolutionism doubt, thereby making the public receptive to the truth of the Bible.

While there are other extant creatures which Evolutionists claim have gone extinct long before man, they are not as ideal for our purposes as pterosaurs. Some of the alternatives are:

  • Apatosaurs: Still live in the jungles of the Congo. They are too large for our planned facilities (and especially for those of the church groups who would wish to borrow them) and breeding would be difficult given their presumably longer life cycle.
  • Plesiosaurs: Are reported living in many lakes and their carcasses have been found in the oceans by fishermen. However, they are notoriously difficult to find alive and would require a large and expensive aquatic facility to display them.
  • Trilobites: We know they still live in the oceanic depths from body parts that have been found washed ashore. They would require very expensive submersible vehicles and pressurized display tanks.
  • Velociraptors: Today terrorize the goat herders of Puerto Rico and are rumored to guard the remains of the Ark on Mt. Ararat. They have become vicious since the Fall as the result of the effects of genetic entropy, making them too dangerous for the sort of interactive public experience we have in mind.

In comparison, pterosaurs are a blessing from the Lord: Many reported living species are of reasonable size, making housing and care affordable; although they've become carnivorous, they should be as trainable as the birds of prey commonly allowed to interact with zoo visitors during bird shows; their life cycle appears to be relatively short, making it easier to establish a productive breeding program; and finally, historical and modern reports of pterosaurs are much more common than any of the other Evolutionistically anomalous cryptids, suggesting that large populations are waiting to be revealed to our increasingly unbelieving world.

Project Outline:

To better understand the project, please study the following chronological outline. By the Grace of the Lord, if all goes according to plan, we should have completed Phase III before this decade is out.

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Preview of Howard Zinn's upcoming TV version of A People's History of the United States


Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Both Hillary and Barack's health care plans make it illegal NOT to have health insurance. Apparently the US way to get rid of suffering is to forbid it. Yeah, that'll work. Make it illegal to suffer. That way everyone who isn't healthy and jolly can be stricken from the sight of those in a better mood, and polls would show a happy population of people who would be arrested if they admitted otherwise. How can anyone look at these candidates and their plans and not realize they're TOTALLY INSANE. If you're just poor and can't afford health care, how on earth does turning you into a poor criminal help the situation, other than the fact you'll get health care in prison? And we've got to vote for one of these bastards just to stop John McCain who's even worse? My hatred of these assholes is only superseded by my hatred of the system delivering them to me as my only choices. We all know there's a better way but feel helpless against corruption on such a grand scale. If you vote for the democrat and they fuck up, it's your fault, and if you don't vote and McCain wins and the war goes on forever, that's your fault too. Barack's the better liar because he comes off as more decent than Hillary. That's a good thing? We want a better liar in the White House? Whoever ends up in the oval office is going to find they can't change a goddam thing. This ship has already hit the iceberg and it's flooding in real time, just like the movie. The only solution, on a totally personal level, is to separate yourself from the system as much and as soon as possible because its going down. Vote. Don't vote. Who gives a shit? When the ship is sinking, do you vote on a new captain or grab your things and head for the lifeboats? Davy Jones for president! Yeah, that'll work.

SNL returns in fine form

Mulsims hate Doritos

Muslims criticise Walkers after it is revealed that some crisp varieties contain alcohol

Doritos Heat variety are one of those that contain small amounts of trace alcohol

Furious Muslims have heavily criticised Walkers crisps after it emerged that certain varieties of the manufacturer's products contain trace elements of alcohol.

Some crisp types use minute amounts of alcohol as a chemical agent to extract certain flavours.

The report in Asian newspaper Eastern Eye, highlights concerns raised by shopkeeper Besharat Rehman, who owns a halal supermarket in Bradford, West Yorkshire.

Mr. Rehman told the paper: "A customer informed us that Sensations Thai Sweet Chilli and Doritos Chilli Heat Wave are not on Walkers' alcohol-free list. Our suppliers were unaware of this.

"Even if it is a trace amount of alcohol, Walkers should make it clear on the packaging so that the customer can make an informed choice.

"I feel frustrated and angry. I have let my customers down simply because such a big company like Walkers is not sensitive to Muslim needs.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

New drug for your problem child

- from here -

20 Tacky Religious Products Guaranteed to Anger God

For as long as there has been religion, there's been someone hawking religious crap to scam a buck off the devout. But once the market becomes saturated with tasteful silver crosses and Star of David pendants, retailers had to find more exotic fare to tempt the faithful.

And so began a downward spiral of crass and downright sacrilegious merchandise that is certain to call down the wrath of the almighty Himself.

#20 Ketzel the Cat Menorah

Crazy cat ladies transcend religious barriers--it's really a unifying theme of humanity. As such, when Chanukah rolls around, those Jewish crazy cat ladies bust out Ketzel. It's the one time of year that Judaism really lends itself to lighting a nightmarish looking blue cat in a bow tie on fire for several days.
#10. Jesus "Action" Figures

This line of figurines represents Jesus being kick-ass at a variety of activities from bull riding to ... reading. Well, despite the one weak entry, this set seems to suggest the Messiah was all about getting busy in a variety of ways. The football figurine was controversial, because the Methodists assert Jesus was a running quarterback while other denominations insist the Lord was strictly a pocket passer.

The next set of figures will include Jesus in a kickboxing tournament, Jesus hunting man for sport and Jesus choke-slamming the Pope through a steel cage.

#5. Grow a Buddha

Christians don't have the market on shitty merchandise cornered by a long shot, as witnessed by the stunning Grow-A Buddha, because as the box notes, "growing your Buddha is the first step on your path to enlightenment." Whatever the fuck that means.

This Buddha will grow 600 percent of its original size if you put it in water, after which time we assume you use it to wash your car or smear on seeds and watch him grow a Chia afro.

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