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Seattle Hempfest Staff Party at Meridian Park - 9/20/09

 

Seattle Hempfest Staff Party at Meridian Park - 9/20/09 from Michael Dare on Vimeo.

Two girls, one idiot

Okay, I'm chiming in on this Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Kanye West controversy at the VMA Awards, which just got me to Google and watch the two videos, one of which won BEST VIDEO and the other of which won BEST FEMALE VIDEO, which caused Kanye to blow his cool and grab the mike away from Taylor Swift to say Beyonce had been robbed.

Kanye West reminds the world he's a fucktard

Someone's got to say it so it might as well be me. This is a fight over two videos that are BOTH total crap. In one, three dames in leotards do a dance that's missing three poles while singing "if you want it, you better put a ring on it," delivering the astonishing message that Beyonce won't fuck me unless I ask her to marry me, and in the other, a hot teenage girl is in love with her hot teenage neighbor who's only interested in another hot teenager till the night of the prom when he finally realizes he was in love with her the whole time, which we find out when they both mysteriously pull out pieces of paper that say "I love you." Subtle.

Though they're both well shot, neither of these videos have an original frame.

Taylor Swift tries to get you to feel sorry for her because boys don't notice her

Taylor Swift - New Music - More Music Videos

Beyonce reminds you that she's really hot but won't

fuck you unless you get down on your knees

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

Since people obviously judge songs minus the videos, it's fair game to judge these videos minus the songs. Turning down the sound, the Beyonce vid is just soft-core porn that would work with absolutely any song ever written, Elton John, I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself, just to pick one ironic gay icon that would give it an interesting spin. The Taylor Swift video at least has a story line and works as a competent silent movie, with a predictable beginning, predictable middle, and predictable end. It would work just as well, if not better, with something simple minded like early Beatles, Please Please Me or She Loves You, though Mad World from Donnie Darko would be just peachy.

Even the happy ending is a weird combination of fake emotion, where Beyonce does the right thing by letting Taylor Swift give a standard crappy acceptance speech

I'd like to thank the VMA and everyone else on earth for

giving me the opportunity to drive Kanye West crazy

Now that he's offended everyone on earth, I'm worried that Kanye West will never get laid again. Time to start a cause on Facebook. Won't you please buy a prostitute for Kanye West? Or a noose.

http://dareland.blogspot.com/

Auto-Tune the News #8: dragons. geese. Michael Vick. (ft. T-Pain)

Obama's Elf

Next step, Rachel Maddow

I have made the front page of BoingBoing!

 

Heartburn commercial in South Africa

Someone in South Africa had this Gaviscon ad captioned by a person whose English is suspect. The result is hilarious.  
  DW
 
 

 

http://www.bartcop.com/heartburn-commercial.htm
 

Sour Grapes #2

Meanwhile, Scott Bakula, who played me in a CBS MOW, is starring in Guys and Dolls at the Hollywood Bowl. If I were starring in Guys and Dolls at the Hollywood Bowl, I would have invited HIM.

Careers to Pursue When Yours Disappear

by Michael Dare

 

Some people lose their jobs because they always show up late and leave early. Some people lose their jobs because they called their boss an asshole. But there's a special category of people who lost their jobs because the job itself doesn't really exist any more. It just disappears, like those buggy whip manufacturers at the advent of the Model T, they produce a product that's no longer needed by any but the loyal few. They still sell buggy whips, just not as many. The masses have moved elsewhere. Here's a guide to other careers to pursue if you lost your job in such a manner.

 

PORN STAR

 

Considering how much free porn there is on the net, it's surprising the professional porn industry survives at all. If you're a porn star laid off because Harry Putz and the Prisoner of Asskaban laid an egg, there are surely a plethora of other ways to put your talent to use. You could virtually blow everyone on my Facebook FRIEND list, but that would only get you further friends, not further income. You might think about downsizing to a smaller audience and doing private porn films for a select clientele. Put the following ad in CraigsList: "Star in your own porn film. Select from our luscious collection of actors. We will come to your house and film you fucking them."

 

ROCK STAR

 

Considering how much free music there is on the net, it's surprising there's a single musician making a living. If you had a hit in the 90s, way back when people actually played CDs, you might have noticed you're not getting any royalties from the constant stream of downloads - at Limewire, Frostwire, and Pirate Bay - of your one-hit-wonder. You could follow the RIAA's example and sue your own fans, but I suggest the opposite. Make a YouTube video offering a buck to everyone who can prove they downloaded your song for free. Since that's virtually impossible, you won't have to actually pay anyone anything, and the resulting free publicity might get you a shot at being the opening act on a Vanilla Ice reunion tour.

 

PAY PHONES

 

The manufacturers of pay phones didn't sue the manufacturers of cell phones for putting them out of business because the manufacturers of pay phones WERE the manufacturers of cell phones. Let this be a role model for everyone put out of business by some new technology. Don't fight it. In the future, you'll just look like a jerk, and you don't look so hot now.

 

MUSIC OR FILM DISTRIBUTOR

 

We don't need you any more. We can make copies ourselves, thank you, no need to pay someone else to do it. Man, if you make money making copies of ANYTHING, toodle-ooh, the Free Barrier has been broken and those sonic booms you hear are your industry going bye-bye. Once I can receive MP3s and AVIs of music and movies directly from their creators, downloaded in minutes, what the hell do I need Netflix for? Waste of time and energy. I could be doing jumping jacks instead of running to the mailbox. But that's just home distribution, which once didn't exist, then became 50% of profits, and now is going to barely exist again. The future really is those big opening weekends, sitting in a crowd at a mammoth screen, where simple images take your breath away and you enjoy yourself whether you liked it or not. In order to make money, film and music have got to get you off your butt and away from the computer to an actual theatrical experience where you pay to get in. Everything else is public domain.

 

NEWSPAPER COLUMN WRITER

 

You used to crank it out for a paycheck. Now you just crank it out. No more editors telling you what to do, only readers and other writers, who are notoriously cranky too. Logic tells us if you want to support a writer, buy a physical copy of his book or magazine or newspaper or leaflet, stopping right short of Blog Post, where money never changes hands. Whenever you accept a compliment, accept the fact that compliments are pay, and thank you for reading this. If you pass it on, I get 10%.

 

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